Game On...

It's a careful balance - between insanity and not insanity.
I love my girls - totally completely without hesitation lay down your life love them.

But oh my goodness - there has to be more.
It's one of those isolation phases again...
I need to find the outlet - anybody got an outlet?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

I know that this is my station in life - I know this just where I am now and not where I'm going to be.
But dang can you throw me a bone?

I feel isolated and lonely.  I got a glimpse of the good life, yet it eludes me.  I saw the other side, but I'm still trapped.  As I said before I love my girls, but I got a brain inside this thick skull of mine and if I don't start using it soon, I think I may go insane.  This happened to my friend - she went insane, so she ran away to the other side of the country to Law School and left her then 3 kids, soon to be 4.  Ew.  Not going there - mine would be more of a self-implosion type insanity, I think.

Do I have value?  Of course.
Do I feel valued?  Not always... again, normal.
It's one of those things of acceptance and submission - it always comes back to that.
Making a strategeric (I know I spelled it wrong-that's how I say it) plan of attack so I don't become a raving mad crazy mama/wife who is insufferable to live with and be around while still maintaining that mommyness of it all.
Is this possible?  It must be.  Because otherwise, every SAHM would be committed to a mental institution.

It's the almighty outlet.
You MUST have one - and I, at the moment, am not feeling it.
And what's worse?  I'm having a baaaad case of the jealousies right now.
I feel it - jealousy breeds resentment and I am growing some real good right now.

Not gonna lie - it's the dang twitter - seeing into everyone's life is not that great when it's something you covet.  So turn it off, stupid - is what I hear myself yelling at myself.  But I can't - it's like a train wreck, I can't not look.

My dear-darling-bestie-sisterly-awesomest-friend-whom-I-never-saw-coming was talking to me on the phone the other day.  We were talking about my latest "game" I played on Twitter.  And then I was talking about the next "game" I could play, and then the one after that - and then oh, wait, what if I did this.  Ha Ha Ha.  Then it occurred to both her and I that I was acting like a neglected child craving attention.  Why?  BECAUSE I AM!  (How sad is that?!!?!?!)  I am playing mind/word "games", essentially, with myself in order to use the brain I have trapped inside my thick skull.  I am bottoming out on 3yo talk and games.  I can only go so far.  I need real, literate, intelligent interaction.  And I have not been getting it.  So I am making it up as I go along.

Is "gaming" on Twitter any better or worse than laying in bed with a Corona or 6 doing a Sudoku puzzle book, or crosswords (I like those better)?  Not super sure about that one.... at least on Twitter/Facebook there actual people on the other end that I for sure or kinda maybe know.  Otherwise it's a piece of paper I'm trying to best and am ultimately talking to (not gonna lie, lots of voices in this head).

So where is the balance?  Who knows.
I DO know that I need to exercise my brain on other people - and I need to feel on some level that I am contributing to something.  How I would do that, I don't know.  I did have a lovely conversation lately about starting to Blog about my area of expertise.  I think I need to start following some of those "I wish I could do that" dreams.  Perhaps I can "do that".  I just need to do it.

I know in the short run, I need to get out of the house and decompress a tad bit more.  I need female companionship and fellowship.  I need to remember my path.  I need to accept present circumstances and take the steps to adjust them so that I will obtain optimal contentment.

translation - I need to find an outlet so I don't want to throw my kids/husband out the window every 10 minutes.
Game On.