I'm "that lady"

Youth is so fleeting.
One minute, you are 15 and you know it all.
The next, you are 19 and you realize you didn't know it all when you were 15, but you do now.
Then you are 21 and you can buy an alcoholic beverage AND go to war - so now you REALLY know everything.
Then, you are 35 and you realize you didn't know it all then, nor do you now, and you might never.

And you realize that you are the old lady everyone turned and stared at. 
Oh.
My.
I need a Diet Coke.

I went on a lovely adventure this weekend with my friendly.  She is cursed with 4 beautiful children and loving, miserly husband whom I love dearly. 
It's official.  I (we) are old....er than were were a few years ago. 

I delight in things like other than booze and sex now.  I still like, nay, LOVE those things.  But there is more to my sphere of understanding now.  I like my family.  I like food.  I like making things.  I like walking around and marveling at the wonders of the world. 

I do NOT like young viral 21 yr old boys humping me (though I once did).
I do NOT like hangovers (though I once didn't mind them).
I do NOT like smelly people (though I once didn't mind these either).

I do like wine and beer, occasionally in copious amounts.
I do like laughing and relaxing over a leisurely dinner.
I like knowing that I have a home to go back to and a family to hug.

Aging isn't awful. 
Would I ever want to go back and be 21 again - heck yes!  I want a care-free life absent of real responsibility.  I want my firm boobies back.  I want my tight thighs and cellulite free buns back.  But these things are like this b/c I have sacrificed myself to give life to others, to support and nurture them.  I guess I can be OK with that. 
I'm not gonna lie though.  When it comes to the time when you are "that lady", it's like a little part of you dies. 

Hopefully just the smelly, hungover part though.

Crap he pants....

Driving home from our Hooters dinner last night consisting of wings and fried pickles, oh yeah, friend pickles.  And the kids ate them too - uh, huh, bad mommy award - here I come!

Anyway - we are loading up to go home.  #2 was a pain, #1 was good.  We had balloons, we had coloring, we had soda - all in all - a C trip.

I load in #1 on my side, Big Daddy get's #2 on his... Doors close, bags loaded, and he lingers, just outside the door... and he lingers.  I get in, buckle, start car, put in gear.  Keep in mind, he is STILL standing outside the door at this point. 

Then he gets in and with the rush of air, I get that stench.  That rotten-ass stench. 

"Oh," I say.  "thanks for that... " as I'm waving my hand in front of my face.  I mean it though.  I mean, thanks for farting outside the car.  I release the brake and we back out. 
"See," he says, "I was being nice."
We giggle and laugh over my almost nagging and bitching at his slowness getting in the car.  How funny it was that he was farting and I was gonna nag at him, ha ha ha, etc. etc. etc.

All of a sudden, from the backseat, #1 pipes up -
"Ha Ha Ha!  Daddy! He almost crap he pants! Ha Ha Ha!" 

WHAT?! BWAHAHAHHAHA! Big Daddy and I look at each other and Crack up! 
"What was that?" we ask.

Giggle, "Daddy, you crap you pants?"  Giggle Giggle.

That was the best thing I heard all night - after "Kids Eat Free". 
Thanks Hooters - you saved us $5. 

I love to knit - seriously.

I'm gonna do some sewing today.  And tonight I think I am going to knit.
I miss doing these things.  I used to do them a lot, I got really into my knitting before (maybe) and for sure after M was born.  And I have sewn many things too - mostly blankets.  But I've also made curtains and a crib skirt and nursing drapes and even a couple diapers. 
Then I started my MK business and that sucked up some time, a lot of time, and I was pregnant at the time with J so I was tired and couldn't stay away to knit anymore.

It's such a wholesome pasttime, knitting.  I do feel like I'm 80 sometimes, but knitting is actually pretty challenging and it's great for meditating and being by yourself.
Sometimes it's hard to sit still, so the knitting helps with that a ton.  Now that J is sleeping at night (mostly) I feel like I may be getting back to where I can knit some more.
I feel like I'm 80, but I challenge myself to find patterns or things to make that are decidedly not 80.  I made M's first Christmas dress and it turned out awesome!!!  Now I want to make J's - even though it's not her first Christmas, but come to think of it, M's dress wasn't her first Christmas either.  It was her 2nd.  So I guess I'm right on track.

I think what  I miss is the creativity aspect of it and the peace.  And the accomplishment.  I've learned to make several things that are small.  Instant (almost) gratification.  And the bigger things are like, wow - I DID that.
My mom told me that my great-grandma was a pro knitter.  Her not so much, my grandmother (maternal) was a sew-er.
Creating things for fam and friends is fun.  And I like to know that yarn crafts are not dead.  I would love to pass this along to my girls. 

Yeah - gonna pick up the sticks again!

The Good, the Bad, and the Evil

So this weeks sermon was about evil/demons. 
I have such as hard time with the personification of this and relating to it.
But then I decided to let my brain go there - I realized I had to let go in order to understand. You spend all the time thinking about what to do and where to go and what about this or that and then you have those ideas already cemented into your brain.
I like beauty and niceness and loveliness.  I don't like evil and bad things and I don't like to think they exist. 

Spiritual warfare... sounds so made up.  I mean really - we don't live in a movie, we don't live in some alternate universe.  We are in the USA on Earth in the Milky Way. 
BUT...
if you believe in God, why would you not believe in the personification of evil? 
if you believe in day, why would you not believe in night?
if you believe in good, why not believe in bad?  K, so I automatically picture Clint Eastwood making my day, but I'm a child of the 21st century.  Oh well.
if you are going to believe in the "Jesus" parts of the Bible, why wouldn't you believe in the "devil" parts of the Bible.

So I open my mind and I choose to believe and I choose to suppose these things do exist in our world.  It could be an explanation for some things around me. 

It's said that the devil wants to keep us from God.  That is his job, b/c he thinks he can do better than God.  So, he keep us from Him and make us followers of Satan.  OK, so if you are NOT a follower of God, then he doesn't want anything to do with you.  He has no work with you b/c you are already NOT with God.  It's those of us that ARE with God that he wants to corrupt. 
By that line of reasoning, as one begins a relationship with God and nourishes that, does s/he become MORE of a target for the devil/demons/Satan?  Perhaps.  Some would say, absolutely. 
There is a story by I don't know who (C.S. Lewis?) about a church that is full of followers that just go to church and go home, never go out and try to spread Christ's word.  The devil doesn't care about them.  But as soon as they start to do God's will, they are on the list of the Devil's Most Wanted... b/c they are getting closer to God and Satan's mission is to keep us away at all costs.

I always picture a being coming to me and trying to sell me evil, like a bad car salesman or a door-to-door vacuum guy.  But perhaps that isn't the case?

1 Peter 5:8
Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Such a vivid picture.  But, perhaps he wants to emotionally devour us.  The devil prays on our weaknesses.  Maybe all of our weaknesses aren't physical, but emotional, spiritual, or mental. 

At this point, I listen to myself and I think I sound like a kook.
But I was wrong about Jesus and the Bible before.  MAYBE I'm wrong about Satan, too.

So how do we combat this?  Read the Bible and be close to God. 
What if you don't know what to read?  What if you are being blocked out by the negatives and you can't get to God? (again, sounding like a kook.)

Romans 8:38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers [unseen forces of evil], neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Nothing can take God's love from us.  No matter what.
But we always have free choice.  Choice to choose to follow God, or not.  Choice to follow evil, or not.  As so long as we are obedient followers of God, he will be on our side.  Not to say we will never be assaulted.  Just as in any battle, there are scrums and confrontations.  People are lost and people are gained. 

And just as in every war, each battle has to be forgotten when it's over and the fundamentals have to be remembered. 
Pray.  Love.  Follow.

The Biomechanics of a Diaper Change

Female, poopoo

By first engaging your rectus abdominus with the secondary support of the internal and external obliques, forward flex your trunk at least 90 degrees. Initiate flexion of the glenohumeral joint to 90 degrees and maintain while vocalizing the beckoning signal to appropriate small human.  Appropriateness will be apparent by overload of the olfactory sensations, mainly of the fecal realm.  Once said small human had responded affirmatively to beckoning, perform horizontal adduction of glenohumeral joint until the mechanical barrier has been reached.  Immediately thereafter, fire the biceps tendon complex bilaterally, as well as the wrist flexor tendon group and intrinsic muscles of the palmar region of the hands, bilaterally as well.  All this must be on consecutively and smoothly to "catch" the small human in your grasp.

At that time, flex your knees bilaterally and move your right foot forward slightly, to hold the small child firmly to your chest or midsection.  While grasping the child, contract the abdominal complex as you concurrently contract both the hamstring complex and the gluteals concentrically to effectively lift the child into the air and stabilize in a carrying position.

Commence locomotion to the appropriate changing area, equipped with fresh diaper of choice, wipes of choice, and butt cream and/or clean lower body garment, if necessary.
Place child supine in changing area.  Remove lower body garment and prepare to experience olfactory stimulation unlike anything you ever have previously known.  Hold breath if needed.
Note: the following will take place as if the child is laying with her head to your left and feet to the right, perpendicular to your body.

Isolate one lower extremity of the small child, preferably their right ankle, with your left hand, as described above, firing the wrist flexors and palmar musculature.  Be sure that your feet are placed minimum 2.5 feet apart with slightly flexed knees, weight evenly distributed between the two extremities. 

While grasping aforementioned ankle of child, concurrently externally rotate your left glenohumeral joint while maintaining approximately 45 degrees of flexion, and slightly supinate the forearm if needed.  This will flex the hip of the child and perhaps the trunk if executed with enough degree.  The trailing leg, in this case the left, should follow along, mirroring the movements.  This is the desired outcome.  IMPORTANT: MAINTAIN FIRM GRASP OF SMALL HUMAN'S ANKLE AT ALL TIMES OR DISASTER COULD STRIKE.

Place clean diaper under the gluteal region (note, dirty diaper is still in place) with closure strips in closed position.

Replace the right leg back to the changing surface by internally rotating the glenohumeral joint and slightly pronating the forearm.  Prepare to unfasten the soiled diaper.  Again, hold breath if needed.  Have wiping implements ready and prepared for quick use.
Unfasten the soiled diaper and using your right hand, pull back the diaper with your right hand WHILE using your left hand to stabilize the right leg of the child to the changing surface.  Flailing around of the child's legs is discouraged at this point. 

A common method is to wipe, in an anterior to posterior direction with the clean, front section of the diaper.  This is done ONE time only so as to not contaminate the nether regions of the child.  As the same time as the wiping motion is taking place, also again lift the right leg of the child with your left hand with an externally rotated, slight supinated motion.  Left leg of child should mirror this action.  After the primary wiping motion is complete, replace leg down again by inverting the action described above.   Quickly obtain secondary wiping implement using peripheral vision while looking directly at the child and smiling and talking so as to distract from the cold, wet shock about to take place.

Place the secondary wipe on the bottom area and wipe again anterior to posterior in one motion.  Refrain from repeating, unless done so with a clean wipe.  No contamination, you know.  And again, as before, the wiping will take place at the same time and pace as the flexing and extending of the small human's right hip and/or trunk, allowing access to the entire nether region.

A common problem that usually occurs at this time, the child starts to "thrash" and "scream" and "kick" her legs.  "Bucking" - kicking while lifting the torso off the changing surface - has been reported.  This is a dangerous activity.  The poopoo must be cleared expeditiously from the bottom area so as to prevent any flinging of the poopoo through the air or possibly allowing it to adhere to the plantar surface of the opposite foot, thereby allowing some transfer to other surfaces or people to occur. 

In the event this accessory movement happens, apply distal traction to the lower extremity of the child and return to changing surface as quickly as possible.  Verbally attempt to calm the child and attempt to return to starting position.  Quickly purview the area to assure that all poopoo has been cleared.
Lift the bum as mentioned above and remove and dispose of soiled diaper.  This should reveal a new clean diaper already in position for fastening.  NOTE:  You should still be maintaining a firm, but not tight, grasp of the right ankle of the small human.

Once soiled diaper is gone, lift the front of the new, clean diaper til the top is near the belly button.  At this time only, release the ankle being held by your left hand and quickly move to hold in place the top of the new diaper, with phalanges extended over the abdominal area securely, but not tightly.

Locate lower body garment and replace onto child.  Using the grasping technique described earlier, grasp child under arms / around torso.  Lift to standing position by flexing concentrically the biceps tendons and anterior deltoid.  Once a standing position  has been obtained, stabilize the child to your chest/upper body for transport, and lift from changing surface (if using an elevated area).

Contract the abdominal complex for support, flex your knees approximately 60 - 90 degrees by eccentrically contracting the quad complex and concentrically contracting the hamstrings.  Additionally, forward flexion of the trunk may be needed to lower small human to the floor. 

Release small child back to her natural habitat once in safe range of floor.

Repeat approximately 4-5 more times during waking hours.  More may be needed.

Bomb Practice

Today, is apparently bomb practice on Camp Pendleton.
There is a steady stream of boom boom and the occasional rattle rattle of the windows.

This is something I have gotten used to since living in V-town.  We aren't more than maybe 5 miles from the border of the base, as the crow flies.  And it's all about the wind.

But also since I've moved here, and this time when I say 'here' I mean, San Diego, my appreciation for the military has gone to a new level. 

I'm from Michigan and we are quite a patriotic lot there - but honestly, the closest I ever got to military was the knowing a couple people in the Nat Guard and my grandpa who fought in Korea, oh and the militia, but they are a little crazy, so....  I had the feeling like, "oh yeah, the military.  They protect us and stuff, and back in the day the french or brits would have taken over so that's why we're free now", which I'm sure is true, but on a very remedial level.

When I was growing up was also peace-time, not war-time.  We had the first Gulf war back in the day, but I was in HS, I think.  You don't know crap when you're in HS about anything.  I DO remember my mom crying over said war and me wondering, "why the hell are you crying?  This doesn't affect us."  (Of course, it did, it affects all of us.)  I hated the military then.  They took my father away in my eyes.  He was a marine in the Vietnam War.  And, from what I gathered from my mother, which is inconsistent at best, he would have night terrors.  He had been injured and while I knew him growing up, this injury did hinder him, it was his ankle and I'm sure it was a daily reminder of his time there.  (My parents divorced when I was 5, in a traumatic way.  So my interaction with him was spotty, at best.  And this was probably for the best in the long run.) So my overall military outlook was rather, meh.

Living here, now, surrounded by military personnel and having actual real life friends who are active enlisted and some that are currently deployed or have been recently deployed and returned, brings a whoooole new perspective on the deal. 
I do wonder if they are still fighting for "our freedom" as in years past - I can't see any other country coming in and taking the good ole U.S. of A.  But I do understand it's a symbolic standing up for.  I understand our military defending democracy and freedom from oppression for all peoples.  I fully support all those in our military, although, honestly at times, I may question those making the decisions for our military.  But that's for another conversation - with someone that can please explain it to me.

Right here, right now, I am surrounded on all sides by the Marines and the Navy. 
I see my friends deploy overseas for months at a time, away from loved ones and (some) modern conveniences, like yummy food.
I see them miss the births of their children (OMG!).
I see them miss first Christmases, and first birthdays and first Thanksgivings and Halloweens.
I see my friends, who are spouses of said military servicemen/women, try to navigate the bureaucracy of it all. 
I see the loss, the joy, the honor, the dedication. 
I see the camaraderie, I see the love of nation. 
I see women raising families while husband/dads are away.  I see men doing the same.
I see young marriages, seemingly doomed to failure, survive, and some not.
I listen to planes and helicopters and bomb and boats at all hours. 
I see guards at gates leading into secret, protected areas.
I see people coming back from serving overseas with wounds great and small, visible and invisible.
I see community helping and supporting these people, and I have grown to have a very real admiration for them.  Mostly, because they do something that I am not ever willing to do.

Sacrifice everything, when ever it needs to be sacrificed. 




And I think, they are doing this for me and my family. 
Thank you.

Sweet Sweet Escape!

I did it - I ran away!
Just temporarily.  From home.  And responsibility.

It has been demonstrated to me in the past by my own actions that if I just take a little break now and again, I love my babies more.  Oh man, do I feel good right now.  I love them to DEATH right now - b/c they aren't with me! ha!  Just kidding - but not really.

This weekend has been mega-mommy breakdown/burnout weekend - so much thinking about life, I needed to really think about what I need.  And that is something that us mom's (well at least this one) don't do enough. 
I have said more than once in the past couple weeks that I am in a constant identity crisis... this is only 1/2 a joke. (Why do you think I change the background on my blog so often?!)   I have been - b/c I stay home with my kidlettes I feel like I have lost a little teeny bit of me.  My personal interests have waned and there are times when I wonder what at all I like to do.

Big Daddy and I have had some stress in our lives as of late - mostly centering on the "economic downturn" or, as I like to call it, the day the Earth imploded.  Things are more under control now, but fallout from said implosion was widespread.  So we are still recovering.  It will all be ok.  But it's just getting through it.  And as a man, Big Daddy has his own coping mechanisms that I try to honor. 
But his mechanisms and my mechanisms are not the same. 
Our needs are not the same.
So while I need hugs and reaffirmations and the like, as any semi-self-confidence deficient girl does, he needs to play video game and melt away for hours on end in front of the tv.

Like I said, I try to honor this, but even he knows it's been too much lately. 
You know that book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman?  I read it about 2 months or so after #2 was born and it kept us out of counseling (again).  BD may not think so, but believe me, it did. 
And I realized as of late and he realized a bit sooner than normal, too, that I need my love language.  I need Quality Time.  I need talking to and connection and involvement.  I can't just go about life going through the motions.  Feed, Clothe, Sleep, Feed, Sleep, Feed, Change Diaper, Sleep.  Nope, can't do it.

But as much as I need HIS QT, I need peace for me - I need decompression time sans kiddos. 
The overall plan would be for he and I to be able to go on a date night - maybe once a month, optimally more.  Schedules will dictate that.  In the meantime, I will continue my escapism.  I need to do this - perhaps every other week I should at least.  If I had my choice I would go solo to a BAR w/ WiFi instead of this Panera (although the broccoli cheese soup was delish) so I could have a beer.  Or perhaps I will join a wine club - seem to be lots of those around.  Maybe the next time I run away, it will be with a nice friendly.  I love to have dinner with a friendly.  I mean, I love to have dinner with a friendly, seriously.  Oh eating, how I love thee.  A nice leisurely dinner and a drink or two, munching, drinking, talking, laughing. 

Heaven.

If I could sing a country song right now.....

Ma dawgs are barkin'
Ma pants are saggin'
I can't find no love no where.....

Ma dishes are durty
Ma face ain't purty
I can't find no love no where....

Oh Shower Oh Shower
I need you now
Oh Shower Oh Shower
Oh Pleeeeeease

Ma clothes are ripped
Ma strawberries ain't dipped
I can't find no love no where.....

Thank ya, Thank ya very much.....

Game On...

It's a careful balance - between insanity and not insanity.
I love my girls - totally completely without hesitation lay down your life love them.

But oh my goodness - there has to be more.
It's one of those isolation phases again...
I need to find the outlet - anybody got an outlet?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

I know that this is my station in life - I know this just where I am now and not where I'm going to be.
But dang can you throw me a bone?

I feel isolated and lonely.  I got a glimpse of the good life, yet it eludes me.  I saw the other side, but I'm still trapped.  As I said before I love my girls, but I got a brain inside this thick skull of mine and if I don't start using it soon, I think I may go insane.  This happened to my friend - she went insane, so she ran away to the other side of the country to Law School and left her then 3 kids, soon to be 4.  Ew.  Not going there - mine would be more of a self-implosion type insanity, I think.

Do I have value?  Of course.
Do I feel valued?  Not always... again, normal.
It's one of those things of acceptance and submission - it always comes back to that.
Making a strategeric (I know I spelled it wrong-that's how I say it) plan of attack so I don't become a raving mad crazy mama/wife who is insufferable to live with and be around while still maintaining that mommyness of it all.
Is this possible?  It must be.  Because otherwise, every SAHM would be committed to a mental institution.

It's the almighty outlet.
You MUST have one - and I, at the moment, am not feeling it.
And what's worse?  I'm having a baaaad case of the jealousies right now.
I feel it - jealousy breeds resentment and I am growing some real good right now.

Not gonna lie - it's the dang twitter - seeing into everyone's life is not that great when it's something you covet.  So turn it off, stupid - is what I hear myself yelling at myself.  But I can't - it's like a train wreck, I can't not look.

My dear-darling-bestie-sisterly-awesomest-friend-whom-I-never-saw-coming was talking to me on the phone the other day.  We were talking about my latest "game" I played on Twitter.  And then I was talking about the next "game" I could play, and then the one after that - and then oh, wait, what if I did this.  Ha Ha Ha.  Then it occurred to both her and I that I was acting like a neglected child craving attention.  Why?  BECAUSE I AM!  (How sad is that?!!?!?!)  I am playing mind/word "games", essentially, with myself in order to use the brain I have trapped inside my thick skull.  I am bottoming out on 3yo talk and games.  I can only go so far.  I need real, literate, intelligent interaction.  And I have not been getting it.  So I am making it up as I go along.

Is "gaming" on Twitter any better or worse than laying in bed with a Corona or 6 doing a Sudoku puzzle book, or crosswords (I like those better)?  Not super sure about that one.... at least on Twitter/Facebook there actual people on the other end that I for sure or kinda maybe know.  Otherwise it's a piece of paper I'm trying to best and am ultimately talking to (not gonna lie, lots of voices in this head).

So where is the balance?  Who knows.
I DO know that I need to exercise my brain on other people - and I need to feel on some level that I am contributing to something.  How I would do that, I don't know.  I did have a lovely conversation lately about starting to Blog about my area of expertise.  I think I need to start following some of those "I wish I could do that" dreams.  Perhaps I can "do that".  I just need to do it.

I know in the short run, I need to get out of the house and decompress a tad bit more.  I need female companionship and fellowship.  I need to remember my path.  I need to accept present circumstances and take the steps to adjust them so that I will obtain optimal contentment.

translation - I need to find an outlet so I don't want to throw my kids/husband out the window every 10 minutes.
Game On.

Poop

This is a picture of Poop, per my 3 yo DD, M.

Big Daddy brought it home from school when he dropped her off telling me that it was in her cubbie. When he acted all pleased and proud and asked her what it was, she said, "Poop!"
"Poop?" he asked.
"Yup," she giggled and ran away.

When she got home later that day, I took the picture to her and asked, "M, is this your painting?" 
"Yea!"
"what is it of?" I ask.
"Poop!" she said, "Red poop and orange poop." 
"Why did you make a picture of poop?" I ask.
"Just cuz I'm silly," she says as as she smiles and giggles. 

Back to Tom & Jerry.

Hitting the Chronic...

Thank you all for visiting my new-found lair for self expression.
My DH doesn't know about this, a couple friends do - but only the cherished ones.
The rest is reserved for the unknown or future known masses.

I am new to the Blogger world. I know what it is and all, but it's all very... obtuse. I can't quite wrap my mind around it. But then I thought - I can do that. Usually I would have the thoughts of oh man, I wish I could do that. But this is a new me... I need outlets and why not utilize this and have literary diarrhea all over the internet? Sounds like a plan to me, Frank.

So here I am in all my semi-anonymous glory! Spewing (sometimes) useless data all over the place and waiting for some unknown to pick up the pieces and validate my existence. Oh, shit, this is starting to sound familiar and most likely won't end good. Let me rephrase. Spewing (sometimes) useless data all over the place and waiting for nirvana! Ahh, that's better!

Love to all - happy reading!

Tues Nov 9 - not what it was supposed to be.

Normally, I would not recount my day. I mean tell you about it - mention a thing or two perhaps. But not recount - today is one of those days that deserves a recounting.

Today I hosted Discovery Toys party! It was fun - a bit of chaos and Big Daddy helped hold the children together (there ended up being 5 running around). But leading up to that was happy, scared, pissed, crying, ok, frantic, hungry, pissed, ok, dirty, fun.

Big Daddy took M to preschool this AM, awesome. J went to nappie time and I commenced the apple pie baking. From scratch, cutting, peeling, slicing, mixing, rolling, blending. YUMMO! Baking makes me happy, I like it! I feel accomplished and I dare say that I'm not bad at it. And it's relaxing... a little pandora and making a mess - love it!
Then I talk to a new friend on the phone, J is up by this time, BD gone getting errands accomplished. I hang up and go into the living room and it is FILLED w/ the smell of gas. I mean F.I.L.L.E.D. All over it was - I was all crap! I go look at my pie, and it's only 1/2 baked - story of my life, being half baked. Ding. The oven is not working.... F. Turn it off - minor freak out. Call the BD. I get a sorta lame response - well I'll have to call someone (ya think?). I'll call SDG&E. He gets home w/ M from school and first, the FIRST thing out of his mouth, are you gonna take the pie to the neighbors to finsih baking it.
Honestly, I could care fucking less about the god damn pie - seriously. So I ignore and address the issue. TIme goes on and it ends with me yelling at him, throwing things, freaking out my kids, and crying hysterically. This is NOT the norm. But I was scared. By the time he got home "it wasn't that bad".

No shit sherlock, I just opened all the windows, Genius.
Ok, that resolves, repairman comes. We have a major issue with the oven (see?!) and I can't use it until it gets fixed...lame. Then he check the rest of the gas operated machinery in the house b/c I called in a leak. Furnace has a leak and is inoperable and dryer has a leak but gets fixed. What.The.Hell.
OK, so then I take said pie to said neighbors to finish baking b/c I am HOSTING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE in like 3 hours. I then go to the post to mail a pkg b/c I got a random reorder today (yay!) and really want to get it out. P/U burritos from the taco stand on the way home. Apparently there was a miscue on the order - and he flies off the handle at me - not meanly, but again I ended up yelling at him and getting pissed and almost crying. NOT the norm. but I blame stress/anxiety.
That passes and the consultant shows up on time - who does that? I have to change my shirt still and put on a little makeup. Then peeps start showing up.
My pie was yummy. The kids played and were mostly ok.
All is ok in the world.
I am sitting here blogging at 11:40 PM - and have finally satiated my twitter jones. Facebook seems to be getting the short end of the stick lately. Oh well.

Balance will once again return to the universe. Some day.
Thank God there's tomorrow to try again.

PS - also now have a painting of poop (per M) more on this later. And we've decided that the way to get J to sleep thru the night it to allow her to eat nonstop from 4:40 til 6. Then have a bottle at 8. insane.

Oh My God! Oh My God!

Picture it, Sicily, 1924....
just kidding (Golden Girls fan)!

Picture it...
a 34 year old woman, with 2 kids, thin but not skinny, firm but not toned, tired but not exhausted, jumping up and down, bending knees to chest, flapping hands incesantly like she's trying to take flight while yelling...

THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE ON TWITTER!
THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE ON TWIITER!
NOT ONLY CELEBRITIES AND PEOPLE THAT IGNORE YOU!
THERE ARE REAL PEOPLE ON TWITTER!
FREE AT LAST .... oh wait.

Validation

So today was an awesome day... Big Daddy took M with him to go do his errands... amazing. It was just me and the wee one for most of the day! I love my 3 yo, but man, I needed a break from her bad! The whining, the crying, the but-mommy's... oh man. Makes a girl want to drink.

So with my time of peace I was thinking a lot today. How did I get here? How did I get 2 kids? In California of all places. And I started thinking, man, I'm gonna turn 35 this year. WHOA. That is like hard core official middle age. I remember when I was 25 thinking 35 was old and cremugenly. OR boring at the very least.

I like to think I am not boring, yet. I am pretty tired most of the time and get cranky pretty often. But still wouldn't go to the cremugen category yet.

Then I thought about Sermon this week at church. Jesus goes back to this hometown of Nazareth, drops the bomb that he is God's son, then tells the locals you all are not getting any special treatment just b/c I grew up here, then they want to throw him off a cliff. Then, as my pastor Chris Brown (www.searchablesermons.com) put it, and I am not kidding, exact words, "he pulled the MC Hammer escape. He said, 'Can't touch this' and walked away." And never went back there again. WHAT?

How many times do we look for validation from home? I do all the time. From everyone there. I want them to be proud of me, perhaps a little envious, I'm not gonna lie. And I'm not just talking about family, but friends too, even the guy at the corner store that still recognizes me when I come home once a year.
But do we *need* that? Do we need validation from people back there? It's easy for me to visualize b/c I'm from a place 2400 miles away in Michigan. No, I don't need that. At least, I shouldn't. But that comes from being accountable for my actions and being to stand by them. And know that I have made good decisions along the way. Maybe not right for you or you or you, but right for me. I moved in with my then-boyfriend when I moved to CA. *gasp* Where I'm from it's very conservative and I come from a devout Catholic family to boot. THIS was a NO-NO. And I understand it is in God's eyes too, though at the time I was not close to Him, so honestly, I didn't really care. I'm lucky that it all worked out. We married and we now have 2 beautiful girls. But what if it hadn't? Waaaay tougher. I'm lucky and I know it. Can I say that I knew when I met my husband at a blackjack table he was going to be the one for me. NO. But we both got lucky that night, I guess. HAHA!

As I continue to grow in so many ways, I think about who I need to please and who I need to feel proud of me. God, my husband and myself are about it. I am an adult (believe it or not) and I have to live my life for me and my family. I have to be happy (thankfully I am) and I have to do what keeps me there. Finding outlets, growing my business gives me great accomplishment, raising my children is priceless even though I would like to throw them out the window half of the time.

Jesus won't just hook me up when I need a hand, I have to earn his help. I have to obey his rules and act accordingly in my heart and towards other people. Sometimes these things are not easy. But if we are not willing to take our lumps and do the things that are mildly uncomfortable, then why the heck would Jesus have us? He was a little more than uncomfortable in his life.

After all, if you think about it, by taking those lumps in order to obey God - after it was all said and done, hasn't it always been worth it? If He is the one to always send us down the right path, who else's validation should we need?

Update: My Foray into Networking

Feel the need to update on the "networking" post a couple days ago!
Holy Shit Balls, Batman - how much fun was that?
Holy Confidence Booster, Batman - I mean really. I have lived here for 8 yrs + and have had a DEVIL of a time finding "real" people. I still use quotes b/c even tho these people had blood coursing though their veins and stuff, that is not the "real" I mean.

I mean the "real" that is when you can say your kids are insane and they aren't all - oh, my. "Real" like, the real reason they wanted to go was to get out and have a damn drink w/ some other adults. "Real" like you can hold a conversation and laugh and smile and have fun, not be all foo-foo and shoo-shoo and not know how to reciprocate the convo, or only talk about your dog like it's a human b/c you have no kids so s/he is it. [Those people can suck it. Not the not having kids part, the acting like your animal is a human part. When you have to wipe it's ass, have it suck the life out of you through your nipples, have it barf on you, then cuddle it til the cycle repeats, then we can talk.]

It was freeing - to meet full time or wanna be full time or kinda sorta all the time bloggers who are mommies and live life. They have the same addictions as me - my smarter than me phone, the internet, bad tv, booze, lack of sleep.

What I learned:
It's OK to be me.
It's OK to hide at the same time.
It's awesome to have new people to talk to.
Twitter is the shit.
I am not a baffoon - unless it's on purpose. (how can baffoon not be on spell check?)
I AM NOT ALONE. Nor are my friends in my small circle, who we seem to be all ea other's got. scary.
Cold sake is yummy.
Laughter is truly the best medicine.
Who you think you know is usually not the case.
I'm pretty and dammit people like me. Just kidding, had to throw that in.

I have gone to these (mostly ladies) blogs and read what I talked to. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN?!?!?! I love them. They make me laugh, they make me feel less stranded and more like I'm doing OK after all in the whole parent category.

I DID give out some cards and talked w/ some ladies about my products, but the best part was it wasn't all about that. It was about fun and meeting people and eating sushi and having fun. Oh wait, I said Fun twice. Well, you get the point.

Oh, and... I was totally overdressed...

A Waterproof Mascara that isn't water based

A lovely lady asked me about a waterproof Mascara today that was NOT waterproof.
I believe I have one for you!! Mary Kay Waterproof Mascara

Here's the ingredients -

Petroleum Distillates , Polyethylene , Copernicia Cerifera (Carnauba) Wax , Glyceryl Hydrogenated Rosinate , Zinc Stearate , Quaternium-90 Bentonite , Beeswax , Propylene Carbonate , Methylparaben , Isopropyl Titanium Triisostearate , Propylparaben , BHA , Iron Oxides

Ding Ding!
http://www.marykay.com/maegan.elliott/color/eyes/marykaywaterproofmascara/10017683/default.aspx

What the hell is "networking"?

So tomorrow, I am going to this fantastic networking event put on by a few wonderful twitterific ladies at a fabulous restaurant .... for networking.
I'm super excited - honestly. I would love to meet new people/Sm biz owners/aspiring people in the area, b/c I feel I can learn and benefit from that meeting and so on and so forth.

The problem lies in the fact that I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL TO NETWORK. No, really. I don't. I am asking people left, right, and middle. How do I do this? What do I do? What do I say?

Biggest fear = looking/sounding like a bafoon.
2nd biggest fear = being "that girl". B/c at 34 I still see myself as a "girl".
3rd biggest fear = it all being a big ole flop-ola

My business to promo is my Mary Kay business - which I loooove. But I feel it has a lot of stigma attached to it, i.e. blue eyeshadow (back in style), big hair (hopefully will never come back), and pink cars (really awesome to achieve when you know the deets). But there are so many other awesome things about the company, so I love it.

But how do I parlay these new contacts into profitable customers?

I suppose that is the wrong approach. You know the saying... The get what you want, help others get what they want FIRST. SO the question should be - what can I OFFER these people I will meet tomorrow.... Hmmm. I think I just had an AHA! moment, Oprah-esque. Scary.

But still, seriously... what the hell is networking - I know the stock answer is building relationships with potential future clients/business contacts. Blah Blah Blah.
What do you talk about?
How long does the perma-grin have to be on?
Can I have a damn cocktail? (YES.)

Which leads to a larger conundrum... the almighty identity crisis. The old 24 yr old footloose and fancy free (w/ emphasis on loose) me vs. the 34 yr old mom of 2 sm business owner drastically less footloose (but still loose) adult me. ew.

*sigh*

I suppose it will all come together tomorrow evening. It's something in my head that won't end up being an issue at all. RSVPd attendees seem interesting and I would like to get to know them anyway...

Get ready people - You are about to be dazzled!

The World's Mysteries - an evolving list.

*Feel free to add to this list in the comments - I will add them into the text.

Why do zits grow inside one's ear?
Why do I have to know so much about poop?
People who sadly battle with demons and lose. Sad.
How come you can only buy Peppermint Mocha Creamer during Christmas?
Why do some people think Jesus is fake? You'd think I'd be able to answer this since I used to think this. A - Uneducated.
Why is sticking to a budget SO DAMN HARD?
Why do we tempt ourselves with things when it would be easier to just not?
How come you can't pick your family? Or you in-laws?
Who came up with Twitter? This may not really be a mystery, but it is to me.
Why are babies so much work?
How come there isn't a mommy rescue squad that can whisk you away to a spa at a moments notice and remove the part of your brain (temporarily of course) that worries about your kids?
Who invented Beer?
Why do I stink right now?
How come laundry never. goes. away.?
How come you shouldn't make fun of people, but it's so much fun?
Why are some people just dumb?
Whoever said that we have to love everyone all the time? oh, yea, God.
How come no one ever told me that I would be constipated when pregnant?
Why did no one tell me that my boobs would be ugly afterward breastfeeding? Like I would have cared.
How come Directv won't just replace my DVR for me?
Why can't I retweet w/ comment from my computer but I can from my phone? lame.
Why do things start to smell up your house and you don't even know what they are?
Sister Wives.

School days...

Today was a school day - M (3) has preschool on Tues and Thurs and since when Tues rolled around she had the craps, today she got to go. She's better now - in case you wondered.

She loves her school. What I love is that she now is getting into these elaborate fantasies w/ her toys, ie dolls and bears and such. Today it was some random bear. He HAD to go to school with her. She had to buckle him into her car seat when she got out. She gave me the following directions, "Mommy, take bear home and feed him his baba (bottle), then he can nap in my bed and if he cries, just go and lay with him. ok?" "Sure honey, thanks for those directions." was my response. Where does this come from? her head I know. But seriously. And these things go on all day long. It's cute.
I love my girl.

Honey, we have to talk...

Babe, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
Please try to forgive me, please!
I know I said I never would, but I did. Just once, well maybe 2 or 3 times, but it was only 1 occasion. I swear.

I tried Diet Coke and I liked it.
I know I said I would be a Coca Cola girl forever. But things just changed. I don't know if we grew apart. You just weren't giving me the attention I needed.
So I tried it, and I liked it.

I know I said if anything ever happened to you, I would marry ear plugs.
But now, I don't know. It might be Diet Coke.

I'll try to do better.
I'm sorry.

Do you every feel like Englebert Humperdink?

So many things to do...
A mountain, a veritable legion, of legal paperwork by Friday...
Deliver a couple products...
Piles and piles of laundry...
Housecleaning galore...
Two doctors appointments in two days...
Monitoring M's loose poops...
Organizing every corner of my unorganized house...
Keeping everyone happy all the time...
A fledgling Diet Coke addiction to squelch...
And a murder to plan...

Well, not that last one. But may as well throw it on the pile, right?
It's one of those days when I think it's all going to just go or maybe I will give up and let it go or maybe I will put on my big girl panties and see what I can do.
I did have my Darling Husband get me some Peppermint Mocha Coffee Mate so I can make it through the morning. Because what else do I have to look forward to?

Some days I get really tired of multitasking, I get tired of doing it all. But I guess this is just how it rolls, right? I think it was part of the thing about deciding to stay home and raise my kids. I am so grateful for that, but why did everyone make it sound so easy. This is NOT easy. The Domestic Goddess part. What part of this is goddess-like? When do I get to eat candy and sit around? It is Halloween so I guess it's ok. But damn, it's Halloween, do you know what that means??
THE START OF THE HOLIDAY CRAPFEST THAT IS CALLED GO-TIME!
It start's with JJs birthday, then the aforementioned Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then M's birthday, the Christmas, then MY birthday (whatever that means) then New Years, then Jim's birthday. All before the end of Jan! Throw in a couple other birthdays and maybe an out of town visitor or two, sheesh!
Oh and I have a business to run and try to build, which I would very much like to do.
Oh and I have my husbands schedule to work around, which is fine, but it's not consistent and those damn babysitters rape you!

I know, I know.
Just plan your work and work your plan. Right.
What if you can't think straight enough to make a plan in the first place?
I feel slightly ahead of the game b/c I can see my calendar from here. Does that count? But those 5 Weekends in Oct didn't help me. Were they supposed to?

I run my life one week at a time, maybe 2 if I'm lucky. And I feel like I'm in a 12-step program most of the time... One day at a time. If I can just get through today, then I can do tomorrow.

AND the Diet Coke I once abhorred, I now love. I am sad about this. It doesn't taste that great - but the no calories thing is a bonus and it doesn't seem to make me wired like a 16 year old on Red Bull when I drink it. And it goes down so smooth. *sigh* Perhaps I will just give in. Isn't it supposed to kill me though? Oh wait, everything is supposed to kill me. Alllright.

OK, so I know I can do this.
I can get done what I need to with the trusty aide of my smart phone and a couple to do lists. I can make breakfast and get going out of the house in the morning and be ON TIME for Dr. appt #1. I will not give up. I will overcome. I will make those dishes in my sink my bitch. I will make the laundry my bitch. I will get my Bible study homework done. I will watch my TiVo'd episode of Glee. I will wipe M's booty about 5 times tomorrow and be a patient momma the whole time.

Someone told me not to pray for patience but for Mercy and Grace. So I started doing it. And it helps. Like, when I want to kill the Darling Husband b/c he's a moron, I say, "Dear God, please give me grace and mercy to understand that he can't help his retardedness." Try it. It helps.

Have fun storming the castle.