Neighborhood Counselor

It's been one of those weeks.
You never really do know what it's going to bring.

I said this prayer a couple weeks ago - after the first time service came up again at church. Hmm, I thought, I should serve more.

Dear God, please bring more opportunities my way to serve.

Then, BAM! I'm the neighborhood therapist.
And I'm pretty OK with it.
Then this week comes and I don't make it to service. So I watch it online and I print the homework and don't really get to it. Then we are reading the passages at small group on Thurs night.

Romans 12:8
if it is encouraging, let him encourage...

Crazy!
But there has to be balance, there always does. And you know what, this is going to sound totally insane, but God was in it.

Never throughout the week did I feel drained (well, not b/c of that reason) or absorbed into THEIR lives. I was just listening. Thinking - what can I do/say to turn to a path of positive. Not make it better, not solve the problem, just make them turn to see the positive side of their life. Their kids, their love they have, the knowledge that it will get better in a year or two when the kiddos are older (HA!).

So I'm thinking. Maybe this is my service. I have been trying to think more and more about service in the past year or so, just as a way to not get lost in my own issues. And as my relationship with Jesus grows, and I attempt feebly to emulate him more, I think of serving.

But always remembering it comes in many forms.

I have little kids, maybe I need to serve THEM more. Maybe it's just listening, b/c sometimes that's all I can give. I can't always monetarily afford to give things, but I can give of myself.

These things make me feel fulfilled and like I am of some use to someone, ha!
I don't aim to solve anyone's problems, I just want help them see what's good around them too.

So what next? You tell me.

Why oh why

Today's big question of the day... Why?

Why does my baby crap her pants 10 minutes after I put her to bed?
Why does my house look perpetually destroyed?
Why do I love talking to no one in general?
Why is my dog so weird?
Why am I so lucky?

I am lucky - my girls are beautiful, I have a hubby who loves and respects me (and is good in bed). But I do get tired and I do want more. But who doesn't, right?
I think it's the balance.
Sometimes it's all well and good, but you HAVE to be able to see the good when all you want to do is be royally fucking pissed off.

Why does my 3 yr old ask question after question after question???? OMFG.
Can we make her stop - sometimes I say, M, just please don't ask that. "but why mommy?" is the usual response to that (another question). "B/c I asked you not to, I've already answered you". She thinks. "OK."
Wow - can you say thatisenoughtodriveyouovertheedge?
Neither can I.

I believe that God works in all of us. How and why may not be apparent to me, but I believe he does. And I believe if I get to know him better, then it will be more apparent to me. I am totally joking myself here. Totally. But I can hope. At least I have a mission.

And I have a mission to get some damn appointments on my books.
Motivate me, Batman, Motivate me.

#%@#&@*

You know what? I like to swear.
Not like "I swear to God", or "I swear I'm gonna get you for this".

But like shit, fuck, damn, asshole, douche bag (which isn't really a cuss phrase, shall we say, but I think it gets the point across. Douche). Cock - not the rooster.

And when I get frustrated or pissed off - I prefer to cuss. Most times, like seriously 90% of the time I do it in my head. Smile on the outside, one seriously pissed off bitch on the inside.
It makes me feel better.
I'm emotional and emotive. I have to emote. Emote or die, as the saying goes.
If I can't be animated and truly express myself with hands and body, then I feel somehow stifled.

FACK. That would be a nor'easterner saying fuck.

So what's worse - swearing here and there, venting a little? or holding it all in til I es-plode as Ricky Ricardo would say?
Cuz usually I would es-plode. So I have been trying to vent a little more - just like a volcano, letting out a little steam here and there... or perhaps a whale clearing his blowhole from time to time. Either one. Pick your visual.

Fuck, eh. A Yooper Cussing.

Now I agree, there is a time and a place. But when my kids are in bed or out of earshot or their backs are turned (just kidding, not really) then I think it's ok. I mean what's the harm. Who am I offending? Is my moral fiber deteriorating b/c I said Sonuva Bitch? Doubtful.

I think I used to have so much pent up anger that if someone cut me off driving I would get all kinds of irate and cuss and gesture and just release on them. But since i have been venting little amounts more often, i do that less and if I accidentally on purpose piss someone else off, I think it's funny to see them get all bazerker.

So I will shitdamnfuckbitchasshole my way all over town and throughout the folding of my laundry. Why?
Because I fucking can, you asshole douche bag.
xoxo

All you need is Love...

Ahhh, the sweet smell of love.
No, that's not ass gas. It's love. [insert birds tweeting here]

My friends have it - they just got engaged today, 2nd marriage for both and no need for fresh kidlettes as he has 4 - a Fab Four I might add. I also heard from a friend that doesn't see her marriage continuing much longer. And another told me how she and her husband are distant - not physically, but emotionally.

So it makes me reflect on my love.
Oh, yeah I got some. My love looks like this -
we eat together, love our kids together, sleep together and he asks me before he goes and engrosses himself in his current Video Game du jour.
He asks me b/c last night I gently reminded him that *I* need some attention too. Oh yeah. There's the work, the legal, the kids AAAND the wife.

I kid, but I am serious about our love. Never did I think that I would find a more loving and respectful man to be my partner in life. And to think I found him at a blackjack table and vegas. And knew it was real when we were making out like school kids beside the Pepsi machine in my hotel lobby just hours later! Of course my mom expressed the usual "oh my, how could you have met him in *Vegas*? He could have dragged you out to the Desert and killed you and buried you and I would never have known!"
But I knew. And after a few years, so did he. Just kidding. He knew. But he had to be led along in those early days. Pushed a little, here and there.
Cohabitation, house, marriage, kids, job leaving, job loss, support, help, lifting up, hugging, kissing, more hugging, a little cuddling - ok a lot.

Who's to say what love looks like? I know that my love is outwardly affectionate, but sensitive. Needs to be handled gently sometimes. But I didn't necessarily have that example growing up. More like the opposite I think.
You can write your own way though. You can change things for them to be what you want them to be. I continue to have to work to NOT yell my lungs out at my kid.

But I don't have to work to love my husband. And I like that.

My brain... is... tired....

Oh man -
Baby's up at 430 this morning... ick.
I am tired - basically that's when i was up too and didn't go back to sleep.
Trying to remember to do everything I need to do today, but it's hard.

My GG leader came over today b/c yours truly will be leading bible study this week!
Yup, little innocent me.

Luke 3
Who would want to be ranted at? Who did John the Baptist think he was? Oh, yea, Jesus's homie. I guess he can do that. It says he heard God's word in the desert. I guess that would make anyone crabby.
But how do they respond? They want to IMPROVE!
If someone yells at me, I don't usually want to do that. i want to yell back.

Be Generous, share.
Be nice - ethical and have integrity (what?!).
Be happy with what you have (shouldn't I want more?)

I paraphrase my pastor here, but it's worth paraphrasing on the edge of plagerising, I think.
I don't want to share, I don't want to be nice and I sure as heck don't want to be happy with 'What i have'. But, if you say so, God.

is this the path to developing good character? are these the first steps.
These show me that i have to think BEYOND myself - - - hmm.
In such a self centered world, isn't that not what i want to do. It's so easy to worry about me. I don't want to give to others. I want them to give to me.
2Peter 1:3-9
faith, goodness, knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, love.

In that order - So take care of me first (yea) then take care of others. These are skills... all skills need to be developed.

Ok, I'll work on it.

PS - excuse the grammatical errors... I tired.

Smiling again

Just a brief note to say to myself that
SEE, SELF, IT GOT BETTER EVEN THOUGH YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA CASH IT ALL IN AND RUN AWAY. YOU JUST HAD TO WAIT....

And boy do i hate waiting.
i hate being patient.
i hate being on someone else's timeline.

but such is life - and since i have a good person to trust, i know i can always depend on them to come through for me - one way or another.
yes, i mean you God.

A little time for introspection and a little time to remember to have some faith and it's all ok. Sometimes I don't feel like I have people around me to help me get from here to there, but I do.
I think I'm not worthy or good enough, but there are lots out there worse off than me and lots out there that are more clueless than me.
So i guess I'm ok...

I can feel it coming back together.

Vince Lombardi wasn't joking when he said that
"Fatigue makes cowards of us all."
Put a little fatigue in me and I melt.
But on the other hand, give me a little sleep and I CAN CONQUER THE WORLD!! WAHAHAHAH!

He also said,
"Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence."
Yup. I want to always lead with confidence so my proteges know how to have it too!
And by proteges, I mean kids.

Ahh, ready to go!

Trying to find the inspiration...

I'm trying to find that balance.
The yin and yang - give and go, but it's eluding me, as usual.

What do I do - do I plan more?
Do I plan less?
Do I give more?
Do I give less?

And who is going to help me make this decision?
No one is over here patting me on my back telling me I'm doing a good job at anything.
And then there are ALLLLL the times that I just feel like I am spinning in circles...
Bah!

Deep breath.... in - - - - out - - - -
again.
again.
maybe one more time.

Am I going to sit and struggle or go and do?
I WANT to sit and give up - so I think that means I have to go and do.
Give 'er hell, then rest later.
And smile in the meantime.